system error: geez, what brought you here?!

It'd seem as though writing for a music magazine has stripped me of myself. yes, myself. or at least that self which i know i've been for the last couple of years.

I was having a bad day already even before one of my superiors talked to me. I was cursing this dumass paper which cost me a P500 penalty for not revising on time. It's for an online thing and though it has no real direct impact on my career pathing, i was and still am pissed with the P500 penalty. goodness, that's already worth a round of tequila shots!! (kamown, you've gotta admit to that!!)

and then, we lined up for a one-on-one with the superior. it's a one-on-one discussion regarding the more errrr, pecuniary aspect of our work, so naturally everyone's just too excited to hear his take.

while i was awaiting my turn, i chatted up one of my officemates and since he was talking about life back in college and how he wanted to just go back there and ace all his subjects, i casually brought up that i was just taking a break from school and that i still have every intention of going back and pursuing my law studies.

to which he just matter-of-factly said, "You're too passive to be in law, if you assert yourself more, maybe..."

of course i do not begrude him for saying those things. he's one of the nicest guys in our office and i do consider him a friend already. i was more shocked with the way he said those words, not a hint that he was only kidding and that he expected me to laugh anytime, rather he said that line in all honesty. like, like it's the most natural thing to say of me, that i am indeed quite passive.

i haven't recovered from this shock when the superior talked to me. although i wasn't really expecting that much of a financial increment (read: im just turning five months in the company this coming month), i wasn't prepared as well for his bargain. i was again shocked to my senses, but of course, i smiled. i was reeling hard inside and i wanted so much to tear someone's limbs to pieces but i amazed even myself when i just smiled and nodded to everything he had to say.

again, it was not so much the monetary terms that baffled me (although yeah, it did sting) as his consequent discussion that really knocked off the air in me. he intimated that im not so communicative as i ought to be, that sometimes he would assume i do nothing because when he looks at my station im just downright staring at my phone. implicitly, it all boils down to me not doing my job.

and while i wanted so much to scream, scream at him,--and tell him that i would gladly oblige if he told me sooner to announce in detail on the PA system what i was doing everytime he checks on us in the office-- I DIDN'T. i wanted so much to tell him off, to refute his every observation of me because i could prove otherwise, to say to his face that not doing anything kills me and that i always look for something to do, something both mentally and physically requiring, even if it means just walking four floors up and having a fun conversation with novia. but i clammed up. not only did i not want to create a scene, but i also did not want to vent all my anguish on this one person. ~~i've been too unhappy lately and i haven't had a release. i dint want that situation to be.~~

then it got me thinking, was i really less aggressive than i know i used to be?? was this somehow the price i had to pay for forcing myself into a position that i may not yet be ripe for??

im afraid that i've become overly-pacified, that perhaps "passive" is my only possible characterization because i don't engage in heated arguments anymore. i miss fighting back. i miss being the resistance. i miss being despised.

nay, even my ex-lovers would never describe me as passive. they'd probably say im the bitch that stole christmas. but i surely did not become a bitch by being passive.

being passive is just unforgivable. especially when i wake up every day wishing i could do more because my present engagements prove to be too lackadaisical. i want the flare and i want that flare while i carve my all-too-important niche in this world. i would never pass up on any chances and yet opportunities to better my skills seem to be evading my very grasp. wouldn't it prick you too if you know you're willing and able but no one else would take your word for it?!

im frustrated. disappointed. there's such a thing as mid-life crisis, so why won't psychoanalysts name this particular time in one's life when you've freshly stepped out of the university and you're raring to just have everything you've always wanted and worked hard for in educational toil, NOW, in one fell swoop. i want them all now, in my pockets, in my bank assets, or in my CV.

am i ranting too long already?? Shag me so i can stop the tirade.

Shagged.

^__^

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